I believe that a kind word has the power to change a life. I believe in myself most days and on the days that I don’t, I believe in my ability to turn things around, even when I may need a bottle of wine and four or five brownies before I find the motivation. I believe in using sarcasm on a daily basis and that straight answers are rarely to be given. I believe in the happiness seeing an old friend brings and in the healing ability of slow, sappy, love songs.
I think I have a lot to look forward to. Sometimes I think I’m lame and sometimes I think I’m awesome. Some days I think I’m impossible to love and some days I think I’m too emotional, too moody, and too fat. Other days I think I’m beautiful.
I want to be happy forever and I want to do whatever it takes to make that possible. I don’t always know what that is but I have faith whatever happens, happens for a reason. I want to make the people around me happy too. I want to be a role model. I want to be envied for my personality, not for my possessions. I want to rely more on myself and less on others. I want to keep in touch with the people who are important to me.
I love my life most days. I love eating breakfast at two in the afternoon and the way the world smells after a late summer storm. I love my husband and my parents and my friends. I love having one man in my life that I can dedicate my heart to. I love Bella and the way she loves me back. I love my cats and the way they pretend not to notice me. I love getting new perfume and the way clean sheets feel on freshly shaved legs. I love drinking too much wine on weekdays and eating too much cheese. Or eating too much anything. I love being smart and witty. I love being being able to call myself a college graduate.
I hope my philosophies pay off one day. I hope our country gets smarter by the next election. I hope my children love me. I hope I make the right decisions for the future but more important, for the now. I hope my wrong decisions lead me somewhere better than I expected. I hope my family knows how much I appreciate them. I hope I never take a passing smile for granted and I hope I get better at saying good-bye. I hope I never have to say good-bye too soon.
I don’t believe life is completely random. I don’t believe in abortion even though I used to think I had to. I don’t believe in second-guessing gut feelings although I have in the past. I don’t believe in walking really far when you can drive but I know the extra steps won’t kill me. I don’t believe you can ever have too many clothes but I hate feeling materialistic. I don’t believe in homophobia. I don’t believe in forcing your opinions onto others. I don’t believe you can ever have too much cheese. Ever.
I feel fat right now because I haven’t been to the gym since last week and I haven’t run more than I mile in several months. I feel like I should apply myself more. I feel the need to reorganize my bedroom and to take a car-load of things to Goodwill. I feel empty when I’m uninspired and I feel like I will never be a successful writer. Sometimes I feel like all of my dreams are pipe dreams and sometimes I feel like I could rule the world. I feel like I ought to be better at multitasking. I feel like some of the most beautiful things are also some of the most underrated.
I need to be reminded sometimes. I need reciprocation. Sometimes I need space to breathe but sometimes I need to be wrapped up in a hug so tight I think I might suffocate. I need my camera, my cell phone, and my laptop no matter how pathetic it makes me feel to be so technologically dependent. I need pedicures and manicures and I always need a massage but I also need to spend my money on other things. Like cat food. And light bulbs.
I fear the uncertainty of the future and I fear that I waste too much time trying to delay the inevitable, whatever it might be. I fear I’ll never reach my full potential and I fear I’ll be okay with it. I fear I’m going to lose people along the way to where I’m going. I don’t want to dwell too much on the past or regret too many of my choices.
I don’t like people who think they are more important than I am. I hate people with a gross sense of entitlement. I dislike people who have opinions simply for the sake of having opinions. I hate onions unless they are fried in spicy batter. I hate meatloaf and stuffing, too. I hate that I don’t like to cook. I hate that I constantly compare myself to others. I hate that life is a competition and I’m not competitive.
I hate that I don’t know who exactly I want to be.