And you know what that means? Absolutely nothing.
So let’s play a fascinating round of “What I’m Thinking When I’m Facebooking.”
1. I spend a lot of time stalking the people I went to school with, primarily girls. Primarily girls that I probably didn’t speak more than a full sentence to…ever. I’m always hoping to stumble across one who gained more weight than I did during sophomore year. I will literally flip through album after album, hoping to stumble upon an unflattering picture of her in a bikini or doing a keg stand (gross). WHY? What is with that? Am I alone here? I have this inherent desire to find proof that no, she’s not actually as perfect has her Facebook makes her seem, nor is she as witty as her status updates might suggest.
Side note: I tried googling “the perfect girl” in order to have some sort of visual aid here, but was met with an alarming amount of nudity in Google images, which thus led me to my decision NOT to include a picture. Side note number two: I just now figured out that the little quotation mark button is how people get block quotes.
2. I don’t feel the compulsion to post statuses about every minute detail of my day. Instead, I feel obligated to post something at least moderately funny, the more clever the better. It helps to be either A) Self Deprecating, B) Painfully obvious, or C) a Combination of Both.
This is one of my real-life status updates from earlier in the week. Why 34 people felt the desire to “like” this is beyond me. But I soaked it in and spent all day Monday basking in my Facebook glory. I may have even gloated.
3. Sometimes when I get Facebook notifications to my phone, I will deliberately ignore them so that when I sign in on my computer, more are waiting for me. I could just stop getting notifications on my phone, and then I would’t get woken up at 2AM, but I don’t. And sometimes, when I have friend requests, messages, and notifications all at the same time, I feel like I could die right that instant and be completely happy.
4. I love to deliberately complain about things that are easily remedied. Like over-eating. Or Obama in the White House. Or getting Facebook notifications to my phone in the middle of the night…
5. While other girls rank high on the “people I stalk” list, I rank pretty high, too. Yep. I spend a considerable amount of time looking at pictures of myself. I’ll scroll back to my first profile picture and click through to the most recent, critiquing my smile…my clothes…my weight…you name it. It’s embarrassing. This might be considered vanity.
6. Often I’ll be typing someone’s name into the search bar, and before I finish spelling the whole thing out, someone else will pop up in the predictions. Then I’ll decide to creep on them instead. They’re usually someone I’ve forgotten I was even friends with, but Facebook decides I haven’t spent enough time cruising through their albums lately.
Oh look, they got married! I’ll judge their dress and wedding decor. Oh look, they had a baby! I’ll scoff at them while triumphantly praising myself for avoiding procreation. Oh look, they’re rich and successful and traveling to exotic places. I’ll assume they slept their way to the top and then cry myself to sleep.