Public Bathrooms

are annoying for many reasons.

First of all, I only ever seem to be in a public bathroom during a movie, generally at the best part/climax, but that medium diet coke – which is actually big enough to sustain a small country for the better part of a year – has finally made its way through my system and I can’t delay the explosion of my bladder for any longer.

So when I’m in a public bathroom, I’m already frustrated to begin with.  Then comes the task of picking which stall to use.  I’m generally a “somewhere in the middle” stall user, the first few stalls are too convenient, last few stalls are too far to walk, so I pick one that’s directly under a light (peeing in the dark is THE WORST) and in the middle of the row.  My first choice is never the one I end up using.  The one I want to use is either covered in a strangers excrement, overflowing with toilet paper and brown water, or so creepy looking that not even a homeless person would touch it.  So I pick the unlocked stall next to it, only to be bombarded with name-calling and an embarrassing run-in with a woman who doesn’t believe in locking the door.  HOW DARE I ASSUME THAT IF IT’S UNLOCKED, I CAN USE IT.

When I finally find a vacant and acceptably sanitary stall, I take care of my business, all the while peeking through those awfully designed cracks in the walls, hoping nobody awkwardly makes eye contact with me on their way to a stall, keeping my fingers crossed for toilet paper, and then flush.  Now, if it’s a regular flusher, this step can go off without a hitch.  But nowadays, the flushers are all automatic motion sensor FAILURES, so they’ve either gone off while I’m still sitting down or they don’t go off at all. Once I figure out how to flush (because going to bathroom has basically turned in to rocket science), I proceed to the sinks to wash my hands. 

I hate public sinks for a number of reasons. They’re either:

A) Water at antarctic temperatures
B) Automatic (and I hate automatic things)
C) That stupid kind of faucet where you have to push down on the button with one hand, do some finger aerobics under the water to get the other hand wet, soap it up, rinse it off, and then switch hands because life needs to be as inconvenient as possible.  Heaven forbid a public bathroom feature a regular, hot & cold, adjustable, two-knob faucet. That’s just way too elementary.

So then I need to dry my hands, and usually there’s not even paper towels.  If there are paper towels, they’re locked up in some automatic dispenser, and you need a 7 digit code to get them out.  I wave my hand over the sensor multiple times, dripping wet and generating stares. Wait, so you mean nothing works the way it’s supposed to?  Shocking.  I usually resort to flapping my hands around like a maniac to get them dry, because even if there’s hand dryer, nobody has an extra 30 minutes to stand around waiting for those things to do their job.

Tags: Life of Late

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Compulsive snacker. Bleeding heart. Unhealthy obsession with Tom Hanks and cats. Florida State and Syracuse University alum.
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  1. Reply

    This is all way too true. perfect and accurate description of the public bathroom nightmare. I share your sentiments on this topic!

  2. Reply

    Holy Smokes–you forgot to mention the self-dissolving toilet paper!Dee Cook

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