How to Get Famous in 100 Blog Posts

My 100th post comes hot on the heels of my blog’s 1 year birthday!  I know it’s taken me longer than the average blogger to post 100 entries, but I only recently became as dedicated a blogger as I am now. =)

In celebration, I wanted to write a post about how to get famous, because clearly I am an expert on the topic.

So, 8 ways to achieve blog fame:

1. Blog irregularly.  Your blog followers will love that you are not dependable.  Daily entries are for amateurs.  Nobody REALLY has that much to write about.  Who are you trying to fool?

2. Never initiate comments.  It’s kind of like the rule, “don’t speak unless spoken to.”  This is true for blog commenting, with one exception, (See #3).  Bloggers don’t actually want feedback.  They just want to pour their hearts out on the interwebs without eliciting any sort of reaction from their readers.  Besides, those stupid word verification things are just plain annoying.

That’s not even a word.  They should call it, “random compilation of letters verification.”

3.  Never respond to comments, either.  (This is the exception mentioned in #2, so really it’s not anything like the rule).  The random idiots who actually comment on your blog posts aren’t really looking for a conversation.  And they definitely aren’t trying to generate traffic to their own blog, so do everything in your power to avoid visiting their site.  Blogging is a selfish industry.

4.  Never follow ANYONE.  Most bloggers are simply looking to win an online popularity contest by increasing their number of followers.  The don’t want dedicated readers who return week after week.  Why would you want to help them?  Just let them suffer alone in obscurity.

5.  Never actually read other bloggers’ posts.  Since you aren’t going to comment anyway, why bother wasting 5 minutes of your time on a post that you won’t allow to evoke any sort of emotion?

6. Never become emotionally connected to a blogger.  Don’t read their “About Me” section.  Don’t get to know them or attempt to form any sort of intimate friendship via the internet.  Blogging is not about forming an online community.  It’s about boosting your own self esteem and achieving famosity without any consideration for the people who helped you get there.  (if you like the word “famosity,” check out Annah’s blog.  She’s the one who coined the term.  And we almost have the same name.)

7.  NEVER link to other peoples’ blogs in your posts!  After all, why would you want to give credit where credit is due, or worse, redirect your readers to a way more interesting, way more popular blog?  Let’s not be irrational.

8.  Never post pictures or other interesting content.  Block text is the best way to go.  Lots and lots of block text.  I mean, most of your readers are probably following this very same set of rules, so let’s be honest.  They aren’t paying attention to your posts anyway.  Why waste your time constructing meaningful and intriguing posts when you could be selling yourself as the next blog-to-movie star?

9. In fact, odds are, you’ll get MORE famous if you just quit blogging all together! 

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Compulsive snacker. Bleeding heart. Unhealthy obsession with Tom Hanks and cats. Florida State and Syracuse University alum.
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