I love my boyfriend, but if you’ve ever slept in the same bed with anyone, whether it be your significant other or best friend at a slumber party, you know you’re bound to run into some issues during the night.
I tend to be a bit of a picky sleeper. I like to have a good amount of bed space, my own pillow, and my fair share of the sheets and blankets. I also tend to be a violent bed partner, and should the equilibrium of my bed experience be thrown off, things can turn nasty. And by nasty I mean you could end up with a bloody nose or bruised collar bone if things don’t go my way. I’m also not embarrassed to admit that I’m a bit of a selfish sleeper (especially in my own bed), and I couldn’t care less if you think I stole the covers or hogged the bed…I was comfortable and asleep and not concerned for your well-being.
Anyway, this is for those of you who have never shared a bed before. I want you to know what you have to look forward to.
1. You will end up laying on less than half of the bed. Whether you are against a wall or not makes little difference. If you’re on the wall side of the bed, at least you have a barrier to keep yourself from plummeting to the cold floor in the middle of the night. But then you have to decide which of your extremities deserves more happiness. This is a dangerous game to play and one or both arms will end up going numb. You’ll most likely spend the night crumpled up like a dead bug in the crevice between the mattress and wall. If you are on the side without the wall, time spent counting sheep is replaced with a combination of time spent practicing a meticulous balancing act and seeing just how thin you can make yourself. You can fit anywhere you put your mind to. This theory, however, does not translate well into skinny jeans. If you are non confrontational (at least when awake) like I am, you will want the other person to be comfortable and will forfeit part of your half so that your bed partner can lay on an angle or jet their leg out at 90 degrees because who wouldn’t sleep better that way? Just concentrate on falling asleep so you can be ruthless without dealing with any guilt about it later.
borrowed from: The Times of Miranda who claims she is not a bed hog.
2. If you’re not a cuddler, the other person will want all of their body parts to be touching yours at some point during the night. This could mean cheek to cheek on the same pillow, or the popular spooning position, or even completely pancaking their body on top of yours. You will be miserable.
this picture is irrelevant but it made me laugh.
3. Your bed partner will be an MMA fighter in their dreams and this can only end badly for you. They might also be a ninja.
4. You will eventually have to wear your retainer in front of them. Nevermind that it is still pink and glittery just like you wanted in the 8th grade. Straight teeth are important and the drool covered pillow and noticeable lisp are the price you pay for a million dollar smile.
This one looks like a lady bug.
5. You’ll never wake up at the same time and you will spend hours in the mornings looking over to see if they’re awake yet. They’ll be doing the same thing, but never at the same time as you. And heaven forbid you whisper, “are you awake?” NEVER try to simplify things.
6. You will have to pee in the middle of the night. Your full bladder will be compounded with the fear that you’ll wake your bed partner up if you move. You will waste 10 minutes delicately folding over the blankets, holding your breath while you sit up, standing up in slow motion to avoid bed squeakage, tip toeing around the obstacle course that seemed to appear in the bedroom over night, and then fondling your way down the hall without light. Why does pee sound so much louder at night? Am I going to wake the neighbors, too? This will go on until you realize you really don’t care if your bed partner wakes up because you know they won’t remember in the morning. Which brings me to number 7…
7. This one is not at all directly related to my boyfriend. You will have a bed partner that pretends to be awake when they are really asleep. For instance, a bug will crawl on your face and your bed partner will turn on the light amidst your screams and cries of agony to help you locate the cause of your distress, only to be no help at all and not remember a single thing in the morning. You would have been better off waking up your dog.