I am terrified of the gym. It’s not so much the working out aspect – although I do find running in place for 30 minutes a scary notion. It’s the idea of going to such a BIG place full of strange people and strange equipment and sweaty men. How sheltered does that make me sound? Wait for this one then…I’m soooo terrified that when I go to the gym and do squats with a measly ten pounds on my shoulders everyone in the whole place will automatically crane their necks to watch the stupid newby struggle to do some lunges. Yes, I am well aware of how pathetic this all sounds.
Let me just tell you, after a very small amount of physical activity over the past two years, I have gotten disgustingly out of shape. My usual volleyball regime that I followed in high school fell by the wayside while binge drinking and Guthries replaced it as soon as I got to college. The result? 25 lbs and a not so cute belly pooch that I have had no idea what to do with up until now. The point is, last week I signed up for a Gold’s gym membership and TODAY was my first meeting with my trainer. I feel obligated to tell you she is trying to kill me. By the end of the second set of lunges my thighs were trembling and I thought that at any given moment I might collapse onto the floor into a pool of liquefied muscle.
My difficulties were only magnified by the 235257345 mirrors on the wall that can be seen from any corner of the two story establishment. 36 repetitions and 3 sets later when, in my opinion it was time for a nap, little miss trainer lady took me over to a machine that at first glance looked like some sort of torture device. After a thousand butt clenches and a gallon of sweat, we went into a smaller side room with even MORE MIRRORS. What is it with gyms and mirrors? Are gym goers really the vainest people on Earth? Anyway, we did crunches and some awkward medicine ball routine and then it was over.
“Well, we’re done for today. I have another client at 5:30”
“Oh, okay! Well thanks for meeting with me. I’m going to waddle out of here while me knees give out from underneath me every other step! See ya next week!”
She said something else about protein shakes and drinking my weight’s worth in water every day but I was too busy thinking about the extra strength Tylenol waiting for me at home to really hear what she was saying. Before I left, though, she did give me a list of foods I am supposed to eat. Anyone who knows me will understand how distraught I am when I tell you that CHEESE is not one of those foods.